everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
