The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
