Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
