The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
