So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
