I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
