Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
