I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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