ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
