Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
