I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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