Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
