I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
