The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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