Whatcha textin bout Willis?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
