the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How naked do you want me to be?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
