I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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