Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
