if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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