can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
