Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
