Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
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what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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