k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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