My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
