I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
