Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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