Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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