Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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