it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
