i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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