I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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