No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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