but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
