That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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