I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
