so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
