Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
