It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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