One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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