I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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