Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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