Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
