One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
