2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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