So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
