i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS