i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
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Too much gin, very little bucket
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot