There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
