the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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