so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
