Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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