You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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