So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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