just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
