No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
