Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
