Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
